A lone a last a loved a long the...

Eep, another 5am-ish start to the day. A huge mood shift has been triggered - I've spent three years, and perhaps more, unable to sleep on a regular schedule and barely capable of moving. I wouldn't recommend rapidly shifting moods (although generally hypo), four days without sleep, not being able to eat a single thing or bin bagging someone's stuff, but it's working for me... Two days in a row I'm up at the same time.

Very strange mood to wake to again this morning. Reflective and detached emotionally from current events, although you can feel things intruding around the edges. But also quite active because I'm looking at the time and wondering what I can get done without being obnoxious to neighbours. The answer is not a lot. Must resist urge to cut own hair. Barber's later. And telephone calls to make today to set up housing options. Hopefully it's there for me to fall back on as I've assumed over the past six years, I've found a letter with a reference number from 5 years ago so fingers crossed. My hand washing attempts have failed miserably as the clothes are still sodden even after going into the tumbler. Oh well. If it weren't such a grim morning, I'd be tempted to go watch the sunrise from the churchyard. I may still do that.

Supposedly my 'partner' is returning to Manchester tonight. So that's all kinds of fun to look forward to. Would imagine from the time she's returning that someone is bringing her, whether her new host or her mum. Hopefully the latter as my hospitality isn't boundless. Equally hoping my mood doesn't shift into something silly. "Of course I'll take you back... promise it won't happen again..." would be bad juju if I switch into irrational thinking. Or even the desire to just delay and push all this stress over moving into the future again. My traditional inability to make the end unless kicking up clouds of dust as I vanish over the horizon.

I do wish this sort of mood switch, no matter how unstable and occasionally dangerous, had been triggered much longer ago if only to start accessing more help. The difference even to me is remarkable. There are the rudiments of some emotional capacity returning again. I can sense things around the edges of my conscious thinking and very old sub-routines seem to be kicking in to keep them at the edges until the immediate crisis has gone. The come down to this will be a bummer. Crazy that it's like a light switch. Crazier still that it takes this level of stress to even return me to old 'normal' settings - my resting heart rate when taken into hospital was 150 bpm for at least 4 hours, and then the mood switched and it dropped to 100 bpm. Not looking forward to being hypersensitive or talking in riddles but it will be what it will be. At least I'll get back my old svelte self and won't be embarassed to lift my top for things to be stuck to me.