The vlaticum was administered today to the ruins of a relationship. It has been a tortuous death. Strange feelings about it all. My mood remains more detached than emotional. Still no dip yet, and very tired of the bullshit. More lies and yet more deceit. It's funny in some ways that most of the utter nonsense spouted over the past few days has been driven by her fear of what the consequences for herself will be should I commit suicide. And the fact she's skint and has had to return here because her mother's spare room is occupied for a few days.
Breaking out of the long grey period to this has been interesting. Kind of weird to be suppressing the urge to head off travelling again. Went for a long walk early this morning to clear head after a bizarre evening where she was trying to play at where the relationship once was for some reason. I asked her to leave at 9am this morning. Such a relief. Now just GUM clinic results and all her stuff gone and I can just take the lessons from this farce and burn the rest.
Time now to push on and learn how not to fall into that depressed mood for such a prolonged period of time. Would probably be useful not to fuel it with totally unsuitable relationships. Kind of intrigued to find out now what the future holds, if anything. But one for the future. It's just good to be thinking once more beyond day to day living.
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