Never Regret Thy Fall

So, up mood, and I promised myself that at the first opportunity when my mood shifted I would go to listen to live music. Different circumstances, but promises are promises. No matter how delayed.

I used to go regularly to a jazz club. It's one of the places I really love where I live because it's not on the beaten track but has a really brilliant vibe.  When the relationship was in its youngest days, I took my ex there once so it also needed disassociating from those memories of her just getting wasted on shots there. And so tonight...

To feel the bass against your chest, to hear the harmonies, the skill of the musicians and to live for just those few minutes in another world. The composer gave me a huge hug when I was speaking to him in between sets. Talking to new people. So long, too long. This is one of the most important things in my life since I was a teenager and it's rocket fuel for my soul.

I've not been able to cry for so long, just that hiccuping unfulfilled sadness and blocked emotions behind a bitten lip.Trying to recall the last time I did and it may be 15 years. And tonight, yeah, it's caught up with me. The mood hasn't shifted, just hypersensitive - and that was overwhelming. Why did I mutilate that part of myself for so long? The drain of so many years of penny counting, self-loathing and repressed expression.  Kind of sad to have no-one to directly share this with, but then it's not as if I've ever been particularly keen to pin memories like butterflies to anything I can share. Even this blog is more for myself to use as reference to help try this final attempt to seek some sort of stability via the medical circus.

Waiting on events and all kinds of applications and other peoples' timetables now. My next personal goal is to head out to watch Interstellar when it's released. Oh and to reshape my image with a shopping trip. I'll end up looking like Worzel Gummidge I'm sure. But it's past time to start dressing more in tune with my age and to generally look just a tad smarter. Just hoping the mood lasts, or at least doesn't collapse too badly. Even when bathing in sunlight, always that look over the shoulder to check for melting wax.