It's degrees of relativity I suppose. If I'm struggling to get out of bed, form human connections, or even look after myself properly then that can be masked to a huge degree if I don't engage with the medical services. If one steadily descends further and further into that cycle then my track record suggests that it is only at that final tipping point that the cavalry is called in. Sometimes they arrive a little late as a result. Or may never be called because I switch mood and become irrational.
This morning I called the cavalry. A long term relationship which I should never have even entered is in the final stages and waiting for the bullet to put it out of its misery. That it ends like this is partly my fault. I should have called time on it many years ago, but cycles and a concern that someone else may not be able to cope with the stress of it, when they too were sick, put it off. It would seem those feelings are reciprocated, with a twist, from the other party with excuses for having multiple partners over the course of a year ranging from "you didn't treat me well emotionally" (true - though cause and effect may be muddled as withdrawal for me happens in response to something) to "I couldn't tell you because you might have hurt yourself" (fair enough but a simple end to something is better than adding in the stress of GUM clinic appointments).
By the time I got to speak to the psychiatric nurse late this morning, I'd cycled from close to crisis point to a much more pleasant mood. It made talking through things with her really interesting and opened up some new perspectives.
The Larkin quote about parents kept repeating in my head at certain points. My old English teacher was correct - that poem was a private 'joke' we shared for many years. By many standards my childhood was abusive, however unintentionally, add in cult religion for some real head fuck-ups and it's a fairly fun cocktail which needs to be addressed at some point. Appointments have been booked for therapy. Hurrah.
Another topic which was addressed was relationships. I have been very destructive in the past within them - friends, family and lovers. It tends to isolate one and, for me, intensifies a crisis as there are frequently no support networks in place even on the social side. This current relationship came on the back of taking to heart some advice from another health professional that I should stop pushing people away. So when someone turns up on your doorstep declaring love and that they've been forced out of home, I suppose it's kind of understandable that alarm bells didn't start ringing. That only started when it later turned out her mother was actually lovely, but I've built enough glasshouses in the past not to throw too many stones about. It would seem that I have a nasty tendency to use relationships to obtain stability, especially since university, although that has never, ever, been a conscious intention going into them. I guess that's one to be explored on a shrink's couch.
The isolation side was also highlighted by the accidental connection with an old friend I'd not spoken to for many years. There's a part of me which finds such a close relationship with a member of the opposite sex close to emotional infidelity, which is just magnified when in a relationship which doesn't fit. So for nearly half my life we've been in intermittent contact. It probably isn't infidelity, but there's subtext and shades and lots of old guilt and regrets all rolled into a package which makes it difficult for me to sustain contact. Still, it was accidental and coincidental with the last rites being performed on this relationship but did highlight just how socially withdrawn the past six years have made me. Would I have called the cavalry without that contact and reply to talk me through my response to things? Unknowable, but it was certainly a lot closer to the edge than I usually dance.
There were lots of other little things - insights drawn out even on just this initial appraisal. The running away aspect is one which I'd like to take further because I think it's closely linked to crisis points and overall stability; I've moved about a lot in my life, and it does tally with hitting a 'crisis' of some form. The nurse's take on me that I was 'logical' was interesting. "Other people just do it" was her response to me explaining the reasons why I felt having children was a bad idea in any relationship I've been involved in up to now. Similar take on marriage; less commitmentphobe, very much more 'you're with the wrong people'. Her very accurate questioning on my PGCE experience and failure to enter teaching, as well as other difficulties I've had with structured environments, was either witchcraft or something she sees a lot in cases like mine.
Bizarre few days. Sort out a new house to move into and take it from there I suppose. Will be intriguing to see how well I cope with doing this sort of thing without having my life limited to what can be shoved into a backpack and holdall.
"What do you want to do with your life?" was one question for which I could offer no answer. Ideally I would have spent my life in academia, sorting through the detritus of history stored in cupboards, but I don't get ideal. And words have a horrible way of drying up outside of emotional peaks and troughs. That's really the riddle I've got to figure out for myself, though it tends to ultimately lead me to dark places with more clarity of thought than I'm comfortable lingering upon. But at least I'm 'high functioning'. And it's that one small step away from the apathetic grey void I'd sank into.
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