As we grow older the world becomes stranger

Having been a martyr to man flu for the past few days and just generally feeling rough as a badger's backside physically and mentally, I got a good two sets of five hours sleep last night and early this morning and feel much better for it. A wee hacking croup reminds me not to push myself too far again just yet, but the mood is pleasant and it's making me twitchy to pick up from where I left things Friday. Just need to remember I have a budget to stick to rather than get too silly. Eating occasionally will also be a good plan.

Even over the past few days I've still been fairly focused which is really brilliant. Been reading Excession on and off and I've even gone through Eliot's Four Quartets again which has been an interesting experience.

Conscious of just how much stuff needs to be done around the flat, not least in boxing up six years of my ex's stuff which has taken over almost every room. It's kind of bizarre because it still looks like she's just stepped outside to the shops. Maybe I should feel something, but I don't and that's kind of sad in itself and reflects where things had got to. There's not even anger there, just a sense of 'oh well, stupid me' and a desire to move on. There's still some financial entanglements to sort out and the pets do need to go soon but no replies to e-mails and I've no particular desire to try and push for answers. My feet are getting twitchy for a full change but I want to at least give it one more try to get things sorted so options are limited there. Maybe a day out in the mountains may do me good. Shall have to squeeze it into the budget.

Waiting on forms and things now. They seem to be taking forever. Tried to book an appointment with GP for this evening, but today is half-day closing so will have try tomorrow. Don't want to wait 3 months or more for therapy, so phoned up the local Self-Help services. 5 month waiting list. Maybe, just maybe, a little more money should be spent if the demand is this high. What it says about what modern life and relationships are doing to all those little genetic timebombs we carry is something else. At least it's there I suppose. Just have to keep pushing on towards it and for it. My records show that my previous pleas for help vanished into the ether. Not in crisis, high functioning, priority. Understandable but here's crisis again.

Was meant to be meeting someone for a drink tonight but I've made my excuses and cancelled. I feel thoroughly bunged up and want to curl up somewhere warm rather than be pleasant company to someone new.